Only appreciate those who appreciate you. Why the fuck you would give a fuck over those who don’t give a fuck over you is my fucking question? You’re old enough to decide who’s worth being in your life. Dipping your toes in the same waters again and again, wondering maybe this time it’ll be lukewarm, hoping you’d be able to swim this time… goddamnit, I’m an idiot - but at least I’ve kept trying so I can walk away with no regrets. Even I wear myself out sometimes, even I want to just throw my hands up and give up. I hand out second, third, fourth, fucking fifth chances like I’ve never been hurt before and I have no clue why. All I hope is to get to know people and try to bring the best out of them. All I know is that I believe in people too much. It’s over, you win, I give up, I’m letting go, good fucking bye. From now on, all my energy, all my respect, all my love will be reserved only for those who’s willing to put in effort to be part of my life. I’m tired of being disappointed and discouraged by how insincere people can be. My rule of thumb is if you can’t bring yourself to say it to that person’s face, then don’t fucking say it behind their backs. If you thought kindness was my virtue, then say hello to my goddamn vice.
Have you ever sat out and watched the sky turn from blue to red to black? It’s amazing. If anyone’s ever told you there was no such thing as magic, then have them sit out and look at up at the sky for an hour or two. Magic comes in so many forms, but I find that the most amazing are the quiet ones that don’t demand attention. It happens, whether noticed or not.
I haven’t really felt like myself in awhile. I still smile when I have to, when I see people, when I’m amused. I still laugh when I hear something funny. I lost motivation though. I hated feeling empty, so I’ve always been too much. I reached out to everyone because I was excited when it came to meeting and getting to know people. I didn’t believe that no one had a story to tell. I believed in inspiration and good vibes and making the most of everything and memories. I believed in bringing the best out of everyone. How I felt, I showed it, at it’s full capacity, at it’s most genuine. What I said, I meant. I was overwhelming, I was a ball of energy, ready to take on the world, excited to see things, and taste delicious, and hear pleasantness, and smell aromas, and feel feelings.
But now, I don’t even know if I feel anything anymore. I’m trying hard to pull out of this. I’ve lost many good company recently, particularly a dear friend I am still praying will pull through and get back on his feet quickly so he can come back and put up with my ramblings and randomness again. Well, I’m signing up for things, visiting unfamiliar places where I know no one and no ones know me, finding random things to do each day. I want to savor each day, but in the end, I find myself… still sad. Sad that I’m always on a different cloud than everyone else. Sad that no one’s really reached out to me, the way I do to others before. Sad that people don’t have the kind of desire as I do in wanting to savor the day, to talk about both stupid and deep things, to watch the sky turn from blue to red to black.
I want to keep encouraging people, but I’m afraid and tired of being discouraged all over again.